The View from the Vicarage, March 2009

Do you hate to lose? Do you think it is right to make sure your children always win so as not to damage their self esteem?

As a young boy I loved to play cards with my Nan (usually 2 pack Rummy). She was always fun and I loved her to bits, but she would always beat me. I did not like this quality in her at the time but I understand better now. My Nan was trying to teach me about one of the great challenges of life.

Our society has an expectation that we can all be winners, or at least be treated equally. If we loose we cry unfair, find excuses why it’s somebody else’s fault and start to get resentful. But as all but one of the contestants find out on the TV talent shows, life isn’t like that.

When in your education or training did you ever take a course on how to lose well? Yet losing is an inevitable part of life. To live is to lose. But to lose badly, gracelessly, can be lethal. Losing well is an art that requires all the grace we can muster. It means having the humility to face reality full in the face with no excuses, no blaming, no self-pity, no self-condemnation. It needs acquiring the discernment to know when to quit.

In the long run true esteem comes only from knowing we can handle reality, which means both wins and losses. My Nan knew it was very important for a child to lose sometimes. It means learning to say ‘congratulations’.

When Jesus hung on the cross he showed us what grace looks like at the moment of ultimate loss: a rejected Messiah carrying your loss and mine with inextinguishable grace. Hanging there he said: ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.’ He teaches us to seek the welfare of others rather than ourselves. At the cross we learn to lose with grace.
(adapted from ‘When the game is over it all goes back in the box’ by John Ortburg. Zondervan. 2007)

Shalom

Revd Derek Witchell 01296 682320